1. They take ages getting ready to go out
You know what I mean,
You’ve seen the girls I’m talking about;
They’re just going to see a film and this creates
Instant panic and has them diving into crates and crates
Of eyeliner, lippy, blusher
And you try to assure her
That she looks just fine naturally –
In fact she looks great,
But I can assure you that there’s nothing a girl hates
More than a make-up less face.
And that’s only half the war,
Once the face is done – there’s still tons more;
Different outfits to try on (and here’s the catch!)
You’re not going anywhere soon, (and does this and that match?)
Why do girls do this infernal nonsense?
If guys did it – they’d be branded strange
Why must girls kick up this fuss,
And act as though make-up is not a need but a must?
As though it’s been biologically stamped onto their brain
That to look attractive in any sort of way,
Unnatural products must constantly frame their face?
Imagine if a guy were to act that way!
Would we think it okay? Would we know what to say?
And yet to a girl we tell them to hurry up – to swallow the fuss
That enough is enough.
But maybe it’s because they’ve been taught that way since they were small,
Since they played with that ‘perfect; Barbie doll
And saw adverts on TV that told them what they needed to be
And flicked through teen magazines their naive mothers bought them
That told them how to chase constructed perfection.
2. They can’t make up their mind
You know what I mean,
I have yet to find a single woman
That definitively knows – and tells you – exactly where she wants to go out to eat.
And ladies, “I don’t mind” or “You decide”
Are not satisfactory answers.
When I ask you a question – it is not a trick,
It is not a quiz and I will not deduct marks if you choose nandos instead of prezzo.
For goodness sake, it drives me round the bend
When you can’t just make a single decision
Like I asked you a simple question and you stand there
For twenty minutes
As if the choice between rice and fried chicken
Is going to change the shape of the universe,
As if your choice is going to create world war three,
As if missiles will explode
(Damnit – just pass me the remote and I’ll pick a decent TV show.
Why do you have to keep flicking?)
Just make up your mind and stick to it
It’s not that difficult!
Or is it?
Sometimes I wonder if this is due to our culture?
Like how, when you were younger,
Mummy cooked the meals and sat silently,
Whilst Daddy stuffed his mouth and regurgitated his political opinions for the day
In a way that made it seem like fact.
Is it an innate tendency to be indecisive?
Or were the men of your generation taught to handle all situations
And the women taught to cower and tremble
And never utter a syllable unless it was to agree?
To say ‘yes’ and to be thankful for the opportunity
And oh my goodness, are you still deciding where you want to eat?
3. They go to the bathroom together
I saw the grin on your face
It doesn’t matter what place you go out to,
You can guarantee that when one girl announces she’s going to the loo
All the other girls automatically chime – ‘me too!’
How on earth does this make any sense?
At least with the previous, there was some defence,
But ladies, your bladders do not automatically sync
And this one thing drives me to the brink of insanity,
Do you all really need to leave simultaneously?
Is the act of going to the bathroom really so difficult
That you need to be surrounded on all sides?
Do you really need a game plan? Like military officers on the front line
With a line of defence bringing up the rear?
Is the bathroom so terrifying that you need safety in numbers?
I mean sure – since a young age you’ve been taught
Never to go out alone, because guys will prey on the single ones
And it’s totally fine on a night out for a lad to lose another lad
Because he’ll turn up eventually, and besides, he’s in no danger
Whereas for you girls, you must stay away from strangers
If you’re alone, or dressed a certain way, or have the audacity
To give a certain look,
Because “Preyed On” is the title
And your life is the book
And we all know the ending isn’t pretty
And I know that there is a comfort deep-down
That is achieved when you go everywhere with your girlfriends
A solidarity that is attained and a respect that remains
But honestly I think it would make more sense if you went one at a time.
4. They’re constantly dieting
This may be by far the worst one,
Come on – everyone knows diets are no fun!
Besides, there are only so many times I can tell you
That you’re not fat.
And honestly, you never believe me anyway –
What’s up with that?
We both know the next day you’ll be on some new diet craze
Ordering a new graze box online,
Or embarking on some detox or cleanse so you can shift some pounds.
Let me say this one last time:
I do not care about your weight.
I am your mate –
Why do you act as if the number on the scale is actually my
criteria for a relationship?
I mean sure, most models on TV are bone thin
But it’s fine! I’ve seen your magazines,
They always tell you to love yourself – that you’re perfect the way you are!
I mean, yes, if you flip over to the next page
It will be entitled: ‘7 best diet tips!’
‘How to get kate moss’ body!’
But that’s fair enough.
I think we can all agree that Kate Moss is hot…
(Not that you’re not!)
But seriously, have you seen how flawless Kate is?
I don’t understand though, why you’re so competitive
I mean, yeah you have imperfections but
You don’t need diets and you don’t need to go too far
But I will definitely make sure that once you look a certain way
I will praise you and be in awe of you every single day
And comment on all your photos,
And validate your frame with likes,
And put myself down and tell you how envious I am of your figure…
But ladies, I still haven’t figured
Out why on earth you’re so insecure about your size.
You’re all beautiful, right?
So these are just some of the things I don’t understand about women
And before you get on the defensive,
This wasn’t intended to be offensive
It is just my genuine confusion
At the situation
And I really wonder
If there is an explanation
For the comments listed above.
For the difference between the genders
For the difference between them and us.