Finding Yourself

I think the interesting thing about life is how you can discover new things about yourself on a frequent basis. I’ve learnt so much about myself in 2014 – more than I can remember ever learning about myself in a single year. The thing that prompted me to write this is that I’ve recently realised how I process pain. And it’s so interesting that it’s taken me 19 years to discover, and even more interesting how I do.

Recently, somebody reaaaally irritated me/was a – for lack of a better word – dick to me (actually, I don’t need to find a better word, that’s pretty accurate)

See, this is the thing. On the actual day it happened, I barely cared. And all the other times it happened, I barely cared. Or rather, I did. What I’ve begun to notice is that immediately after I am hurt, I feel nothing. Not numb. Not upset. I just feel…fine. And it’s not like I have to actively convince myself that I’m okay either. It’s not like I convince myself I’m okay despite the room burning down around me. I don’t try to build a tough exterior. I genuinely feel fine, I’m surprised at how fine I feel!

Then give it three days. (In this instance it’s been four, but the general rule still stands)

Three days after what happened will often pop back into my head, and then, hell yeah, there are the emotions. The anger or the upset or the hurt. And it’s so surprising because I honestly DO NOT think about the incident during the three days, then BAM tidal wave of emotions.

I think that’s interesting.

I also find it very interesting how I deal with them. There’s the obvious outlet for me – poetry, which I have used for years. Recently though, it’s begun to manifest itself in cleaning, or baking. Looking after my surroundings or even myself (i.e. exercise)

It’s all so very interesting.

Today though? Well today I just ranted on twitter.

Nothing wrong with good old fashioned emotional release sometimes okay ? 😉

PS. Note to self – there’s a fine line between being CIVIL and then giving people the opportunity or power to walk over you.


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