The title to this post is going to seem completely contradictory to what I am actually writing.
This post is just a reflection on something that happened to day, which was totally bizarre.
Firstly, I define myself as a demisexual – somebody who cannot be sexually attracted to somebody unless there is a close, emotional bond. Before we hear a chorus of, ‘Oh, well that’s ADMIRABLE’ or a clamour of, ‘well that’s really sweet’ I would like to point out that it is not a choice.
I mean, it’s not a DIFFICULT orientation, in terms of the 21st Century. It’s not like I have to come out to anybody like, ‘Oh, I’m a demisexual’ and watch their faces drop, but I’m just pointing out that it’s not a choice. Occasionally it’s pretty frustrating. I can’t mention the number of times I’ve been out clubbing with girlfriends and they’ve been like, ‘Oooooh that guy over there’s interested in you.’ (A lot of the time, this guy is HOT. Like I’m talking ridiculously attractive//Channing Tatum sprinkled with, uhm, who else do girls find attractive? Leonardo Dicraprio?//Get-in-my-bed-right-now hot.)
Only without the ‘get in my bed’ part. For some reason, that is totally off-putting for me. Even if this guy is 10/10. And then my girlfriends get all confused as to why I would possibly turn down the hottest guy in the club.
Sometimes, its not that I don’t even want to. Let’s admit it – we’re all human. Sexual intimacy, for the most part, is really attractive because we as human beings are wired to want love/pleasure and all that. So it can be frustrating to want to do something, but not actually be able to, y’know? Cause you’re brain’s like, ‘oooo this might be an attractive proposition’ but the moment the situation gets too real its like, ‘nahhh you don’t swing that way love.’
Also, I would like to dispell any myth that suggests that I don’t get crushes. Crushes for me are ten a penny (Ask anybody who really knows me haha, new one every week.) But unless I’m pretty close with you, unless we’re invested on an emotional level…Just no.
This was a very long introduction when all I am trying to say is: I AM ATTRACTED TO PERSONALITIES.
Thus, it made sense that when a particular person pissed me off a while ago, I knew I was no longer attracted to them. Of course, nothing I originally found sexy about him had changed, but because I was no aware of the awful personality, the attractivity diminished. I hadn’t seen him since I decided he was just a waste of mental space, but I knew within my heart that if I saw him now, I would find nothing attractive about him.
Which brings us to today.
Today at work, a new guy worked with us. For the sake of privacy, we’re going to call him J.
Pretty much the moment I met J, he reminded me of this person that I used to fancy. (The person whose personallty so completely had me doing a 360 degree turn that I might as well have been a BMX stuntwoman)
Strange thing was, I found J SO attractive. He remined me of aforementioned guy but without the negative personality traits. And he was absolutely lovely. We spent pretty much the whole day having banter, despite only having just met each other.
The strangest thing for me was that he LOOKED so much like the guy. I thought that would mean that I would hate him. And yes, I felt a strange mix of attraction and annoyance because he reminded me of negative times. I’d never thought such conflicting emotions could simultaneously exist. I’d flirt with him and then a second later, be annoyed, chastising myself for even going there. But I couldn’t stop. (I’m a naturally flirtatious person, I think. Particularly when a guy starts flirting with me, I’ll always flirt back. Even if I don’t like them that way. Because we all know flirting is fun)
So I guess that looks DO matter, but in different ways. i would not find aforementioned guy attractive, and I therefore thought that anybody who looked like him would be unnattractive too. But that’s not the case. I was caught off my guard. And it’s strange being attracted to somebody who looks identical to somebody you’re not attracted to – in fact, that you really would NEVER want to go there again. Does that make sense?
But it doesn’t matter because at the end of the day, work was fun. Sadly J is only here for the holidays, but I kind of wish he worked here all the time. He was a bundle of fun, pretty flirtatious, loadsa banter, and he loves kids which is always a plus. At the end of the day, God has called us to exhibit his love, mercy, kindness and forgivess in our friendships, relationships, home, education and the workplace.
We should never forget the workplace.
So no matter how cute/irritating J’s little face was – I gotta calm down and not mentally chastise myself, or him for that matter.