monologue

when i dance i dance for myself/i like the way my body moves, the way my hips slay/i feel powerful/i feel sexy/and then i wonder if there is such a thing as objective sexiness/because as a straight woman i relate sex to men/when i think ‘sex’ i think ‘man’/so when I think ‘sexy’ must i also think men/i want to dance for myself/i do dance for myself/at least i want to say that yes the answer is yes i only dance for myself/ i am sexy only for myself/i feel strong and in the moment i do not think about a man

these are all truths

i delight in how my body moves/how it feels/smooth & moulded into space/like/like how if i masturbate i can be incredibly turned on by myself without the need for another without/the need to imagine another/or to watch anything because/thinking about myself is enough/and its a little narcissistic yes/and im still trying to find the line between objectification and control/and then i wonder if im truly turned on by myself or by what/i/as a straight woman having an orgasm represents/if my body is so manipulated that i am in fact turned on by the idea of myself acting/or being/sexy/auden says that the condition of a slave/is so intolerable/that in order to survive he must delude himself into believing he is choosing to obey his masters commands/i feel guilty wondering if i am turned on by myself/ or by the fact that im writhing on the sheets/in a grotesque imitation of what i see on tv/as a straight female virgin how much of what i find sexy is me and how much has been passed to me/generations upon generations of ill-fitted misogyny and hand-me-down objectification/and control/and reclaiming the body/and i constantly analyse myself/is there a performative element to my dance or am i dancing for myself/or am i dancing for myself performatively/because it matters to me/and its not as easy as making a decision to dance for me or him or whoever/cause i still don’t know if theres such a thing as sexiness without context/without boundaries/and if im to say that this is sexy what am i measuring it up against/of course its sexy/but why/in the same way when i dress/i feel good about myself/its not for anybody else/but psychologically/unconsciously/what looks good to me only exists in relation to what i think/looks good to others/in a way/and when i kiss men theres a certain kind of/a certain pride i guess/thats the performative again/a sort of doing it right/which might not necessarily be a bad thing/i mean somethings got to be right/otherwise how do we know what we like/it hurts my head to think/

regardless my dancing

and my body

is mine

always mine.

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